The Wrong Way Home

     One of my friends recently referred to the George Zimmerman trial as the black man's O.J. Simpson trial. I'm not really sure how much I agree with that.  There are definitely different problems at play and the factors that led to O.J.'s trial lasting so long are different to this one.  Also, O.J.'s trial was a lot more about the drama and scandal of Hollywood.  The Zimmerman trial was a lot more about two ordinary people and some very unfortunate chain of events created by their human error.  I can't help but feel that race was involved.  I will explain, but not yet.  What matters is that there is a boy who is dead and he could so quickly be forgotten.
    First of all, I am infuriated that an adult killed a child.  I don't care if the child was 17, almost 18, or the size of a bigger adult.  From the viewpoint of someone approaching 30, he is a baby.  I remember changing diapers of babies who are now that age.  I was a baby at that age.  There is so much that you don't know at this age.  There is so much still left to achieve, to experience, to discover!  I deleted a post on Facebook that I wrote when all I knew was that George Zimmerman had a gun and saw someone who looked suspicious and when he approached the suspicious person, he got attacked (with no gun or knife, just bare hands), so he shot out of self-protection.  I am writing this blog, because I shouldn't have deleted my post.  Even if the comments that responded weren't in reverence, they still recognized what happened.  This trial does not deserve to be forgotten even if the outcome was not favorable.
     Back to the guns against no guns things.  Maybe George Zimmerman was never taught to throw a punch,  in which, if that was the case, maybe there needs to be a law that states you should know how to throw a punch before you can fire a shot.  This is the first major, major red flag to me.  Now, I am an uber big sci-fi, comic book-themed movie/t.v. show fan.  If you are following me, then you know guns fight guns, fists fight fists, daggers have a weird middle ground place.  Whew, thank goodness there were not any knives at play, because that would throw a whole lot of complication in this.  The fact is, Zimmerman shot a kid who didn't have a gun.  Did he not know where he could kick Martin to get him off him?  Did he not know he could shoot him in leg to get him off of him?  If so, he did none of the above.  He shot to kill.
    Some would say that since he felt his life was in danger then he should have shot to kill in order to save his own life.  Knowing the details, my mind immediately goes to so many places for this statement, but I won't go there.  Today, I learned there was apparently a 911 call that Zimmerman placed.  Who knew he did something right?  Well, apparently the 911 dispatcher at some point told him to stay in his car!  Now, I believe that over 90% of people who actually feel threatened and in a dangerous situation would have actually stayed in their car.  I'll take a moment to explore some aspects of the human psyche.  I honestly don't know how big of a guy George Zimmerman is.  I am sure a google search would tell me, but right now I am just rambling.  There are a couple of people types who would feel they could confront someone whom they thought was a threat to their neighborhood or self.  This person either needs to be 6'4 and look like Arnold Shwertzenager (I have no clue how to spell that right) or they have some kind of self defense mechanism that would protect them under any circumstance.  I mentioned movie interests.  Now, there is always the nerdy out of shape guy who thinks they can somehow magically turn in to superman at the last minute and fight danger.  Haha...right? That never happens.  I'm not saying that Martin was a danger, I'm just saying that people create disillusions in their heads.  I would say seeing that Zimmerman did not look anywhere near like Arnold Shwertzen....whatever his last name is...that he falls under the category of having some kind of self defense mechanism that would protect them under any circumstance.  This would be the only thing that could make him willing to go up to someone he did not know and confront that person.  So he  definitely fits into where less than 10% of the human population would fall if they really felt threatened.  This, to me, puts a little crazy streak in his head.  As stated previously, the other more-than 90% of the population, if really felt threatened, would have stayed in their car.  I mean think about it!  You are driving around in your car, you see a teenager (who you may not really know is a teenager) and you think they shouldn't be in your neighborhood.  Some headlines said Martin was on drugs? Maybe?  I don't know all of those details, but say you see a drunk or high looking guy.  The only reason you would get out of your car is if you want to give him a ride home.   I highly doubt Zimmerman wanted to do that.  Zimmerman got out of his car, after being advised not to, and knew that he could confront this stranger, because he had a gun and, if the situation turned less desirable, he had an easy out (shoot the other guy) and an easy explanation for pulling the trigger. So, I guess, yes, Zimmerman shot Martin because Martin was attacking, but it could have all been avoided.  If Zimmerman would have stayed in his car, Trayvon would still be alive.
     I've heard it countless times said that Trayvon was high on Marijuana.  Well, having recently moved away from the NW and being years into adulthood, all I can say is that I'm starting to believe there is a large part of American population high at any given moment or wanting to be high.  Recreational marijuana is not becoming legal, because people want to get high once a week.  My response to the original statement is, "what was George's excuse?"  Maybe Trayvon wasn't a model, straight A student.  Who says he had to be? There are hundreds of teenagers walking home on any given night in America, after a night of drinking, smoking, and probably other worse things.  There are hundreds of adults doing this on any given night, also.  Does every drunk or high person be confronted?  Zimmerman just needed to stay in his car.  I just went back and did some googling and didn't find anything saying he was on drugs at the time of his death.  So lets go there.
     Now, I'm gonna go there.  I'm not afraid to talk about race, and I'm gonna go there.  I'm only half white, so I'm going to speak from my asian side, in order to remove any biases.  I gave the description of Trayvon that is being given on the news.  He was suspended multiple times from school, had a marijuana pipe, did this , did that.  How often in the news do you hear such a description about a white kid?  Usually, when they go out and commit a mass murder.  But, you know what, in the case of a white kid, no matter how bad the story, they always work in the phrase, "he was a model student, everyone loved him, or no one ever thought he would do that (that statement is usually saved for when there is nothing else good to say about the kid, but they gotta say something)."  The point is that a boy was shot and the web if filled with nothing but stories of his "at risk" childhood.  I'm sure his momma and daddy could say millions of good things about that boy.  Those didn't come up when I googled his name.  I'm not saying the shooting was racially motivated and I'm not saying it wasn't.  I am saying this case would have looked a lot different if Trayvon was caucasian, named Tray, had a letterman jacket, had just given up his virginity to the captain of the cheerleading team, had a little too much budlight and made the "responsible" decision to walk home that night when he was confronted, got angry and threw the man down.  Then, to add on top of it, that this version of Tray had a father who was a powerful attorney and the end would be history.  I just created the image of a modern day martyr.  If you disagree, just watch a little more Lifetime T.V. or a little more MTV.
     I don't know what else to say.  Ah, I said a lot.  I don't know what to say about how the legal system worked.  It just stinks.  On paper, maybe it worked.  I just think it isn't fair that if Zimmerman would have stayed in his car none of this would have happened.  Why did he have to use his gun? Why didn't he wait until the police came? Why didn't he go home and lock his doors if he felt in so much danger?  I do know that according to all my sci-fi shows I watch, that taking a human life changes you.  It's one thing to kill made up monsters and supernatural beings, but when you kill a human you are forever changed.

OK-The Two Most Powerful Letters....

   I am just filled with amazement when I look at my son and all he can do!  I know he is a gift and is a true Emmanuel (which is his name, after all)!  He is active, playful, loving and funny!  I only hope that everything that he has blessed me with, I can one day return to him.  I see my son and I am reminded how truly dependent we are on our Creator and I don't want to take a single moment for granted.  With all this, I know at any moment everything can be taken away.
          I remember after my son's anatomy ultrasound, I received some news from my doctor that absolutely terrified me.  We had just been filled with so much excitement.  This was a day we had dreamed about!  We saw our baby moving.  We discovered the baby inside of me was a boy.  I saw the curvature of his cheeks and his little hand bobbing back and forth from his mouth.  We counted his fingers!  We counted his toes.  They showed us everything we could ever imagine.  Then during our follow-up doctor's visit (just fifteen minutes or so after), we were told something that we were not shown.  I am almost feel guilty really sharing this, because I know so many of you have been through much worse.  You have all been so strong and have experienced so much miracles.  What I was told was nothing compared to what many of you super moms have experienced, but yet the news I was told is still bundled up inside of me somewhere.  When I remember it, I absolutely crumble inside.
     I still research this "news" she told me.  It is still a mystery to me.  I have recently learned that I was about 1 out of 100 moms who hear this.  I was actually just told my baby had cysts in his brain.  I was told he would be o.k.  and that they usually go away on their own.  Since everything else is healthy, these marks mean nothing.  However...they meant something to me!  Cysts! On his brain! On my baby's brain.  My helpless baby boy had something in his brain.  I couldn't do anything about it.  I thought I had done something wrong.  I hurt him somehow.  They were on his brain for goodness sakes.  How can that be o.k.  I knew nothing else.
     I later learned these cysts had a name.  They are called choroid plexus cysts. I was told not to google it, but I had to know.  I had never heard of this or anything like this.  I didn't read about this in my 'what to expect book'.  I did not expect this.  I feel like someone should tell you on your visit before your anatomy visit, this is something you might hear about.  That way, when you hear about, you know that you'd heard about it!  I was terrified.  I felt like all my fears were coming true.  Luckily, my google searches were positive.  I revisited my 'what to expect' book.  That to had a positive outcome.  I googled all of the ways this could be bad.  Everything seemed alright. It looked like if he had these and something else, I should worry.  This was all he had.  Now, today as I google it, I see new things, concerns mainly, popping up.  There were some articles, but are these moms who were told "not to worry, they go away," starting to realize they aren't alone?
     I still get scared.  I meant to ask my pediatrician if I should still be concerned, since I didn't get a level two ultra sound.  I didn't know that was an option.  I forgot to ask.  What if these cysts cause complications in the future.  Will my son be healthy and then all of a sudden get sick?  If he wobbles too much, does that mean there is a fluid imbalance....is his equilibrium off because there might be cysts still there?  These are all my fears.
     My son is healthy.  He is funny, smart and strong.  So these cysts had to be menial.  I don't know what else to write.  I'm sure in twenty years from now I will learn something completely new about these cysts.  I'm sure someone will confirm that they are linked to something terrible.  There will be more fears.  I guess this is mainly a fear-thing. So far everything has been ok.
     We went through this together.  I carried my baby while he had these little things in his brain.  My husband held me as I walked through fear.  My mom told me everything would be ok.  My cousin told me an anecdote that put me at peace during a lunch break where I had a little break down.  Everything was and is ok.  We held together!
    I learned that life is so fragile.  My baby is so fragile.  Even though these little things that are so harmless (hopefully still) could cause so much fear, my God could make everything ok.  Let me tell you, I absolutely value everything my son does.  He is my miracle from heaven.  Hopefully, our luck will continue.  Hopefully, I really won't have anything to fear.  Hopefully, and this is the biggest hopefully, one of you will read this and be familiarized or comforted so you aren't in shock or have the day you learn of your baby's gender shattered by something so unknown.  God is good and he uniquely makes every baby. 

Moments That Speak

There are several instances of life that I find it difficult to measure success.  Do I base how well something went on aesthetics, compliments, or numbers of recipients?  This is especially difficult when you're trying to spread the love of Christ.  However, the most beautiful occurrence is when God just makes everything stop and truly reveals Himself to you.  I am fortunate enough to say that I witnessed such a moment along with some other members of my church tonight at our first ever Trunk R' Treat.

This was the first one, so I wasn't sure how much people would be interested to attend or to help.  All I could do was put my trust in scripture.  It was particularly Matthew 10:42 that really solidified God's plan for this event.  This scripture says, "...And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.”  For this event we replaced "cup of cold water" with candy to really put it into perspective.  How powerful is it to realize that we were not just giving candy to adolescents, but to disciples of Jesus Christ!  

As we went through the motions to set up, particularly setting up our rain shelter, the clouds parted to open the sky up and reveal the sun.  We haven't seen sunshine in over two days and, in a sea of clouds, the sun appeared.  It didn't appear through the clouds or we didn't see a little brightness in part of the sky.  We saw the sun.  There was even a rainbow on the other side of the sky.  We were overtaken by the beauty!  Did I mention there was no rain during the entire Trunk R' Treat?  It was as if God said to us, "O.K. I think its great that you are building this shelter from the rain.  Go ahead build it, but you are not going to need it.  I will bless your prayers.  I will be with you as you love on my children!"

  

If monkeys were monsters that are actually babies!

So the lil' man is asleep and I am regaining all feelings of peace that do not involve following a 1 year-old around all day. Now, in silence, I reflect on my bundle of joy:

This morning he awoke and we moved to the living room for our mommy-baby cuddle time. When I was least expecting it, Manny reached over and tickled my foot! This act also tickled my heart with joy! He never misses an opportunity to live out the monkey that he is. 

I love seeing his personality unveil itself to us! To just think, this is only the beginning!

Living for Goals: big and small!

Looking at my fourteen month-old son son, I can't help but smile! He IS my pride and joy in life. I hope and aspire to be by his side during every accomplishment in life, and, cheering him along the whole way. I also want to set him up for greatness in everything he does. So, since before he was born, I started setting goals for him, and goals for where I would fit in as his mother.Now you might be asking  yourself, 'what goals do you set for an infant?' I believe you must be intentional in everything you do. With a baby so young, it's my job to guide him through this new world. Honestly, I must share with you, it is my greatest joy in life to see my little man repeat something back to me that I taught him.

Some of my goals include language (primarily English, because that's our family's first language ), athleticism, music, faith, a pure enjoyment for life, and many more. These aren't in any particular order.

Life is full of ups and downs. You never know what is going to be thrown at you. I want my son to know that you don't have to always be happy, nor do you have to be content, but you can find joy in every circumstance. You can smile, dance, and laugh even in unfavorable circumstances! I can write more and more, but this is a blog not 'War and Peace'. I am here to leave a legacy. My living God has blessed me in ways that can not be counted.  I want to pass this to my son. I have seen the sun set in various places from coast to coast in this country, and a few more. I have seen the purest of love and the most vicious hatred. I have stood in the midst of the beauty of the earth: underground in mammoth cave, on the edge of the grand canyon, on a kayak in halong bay with one of my best friends in my life, and at the alter of God marrying the love of my life.  These are just the highlights! I will intentionally walk through life, as an adventure, with my little boy!

Counting Down!

     There comes a moment where you just gotta say, "It's Time!"  Now is the time.  What is it time for?  Well, I've decided it is time for me to fit into my pre-baby clothes again.
     Now, I love being a mom and I've loved my baby since I first got word that I was pregnant.  In fact, I think my body loved be pregnant...a little too much in fact.  You see, everyone told me that by nursing I'd drop the weight so quickly.  They forgot to tell me that by nursing my body would retain a boat-load of water and I would ultimately be hungry and drained of all energy.  Did I mention my baby has been on a growth spurt since birth? Yes.  Since day 1!
    Luckily, the time comes where a baby is weaned and your body chemistry jumps back to its old self.  I'll explain more to you in person.   About a month ago, my body gave me the hint that it would not work against me any more when it came to trying to fit into my old clothes.  That day became my journey to "get my skinny on!"
     I am only about a mile or two on the road to that journey, but every pound is progress.  I want to say thank-you to everyone who has been kind to me at every pound that has stood on a scale.  I am so grateful for the love you have shown when I was thinner and when I had my baby inside of me, and also when I had my baby outside of me, but still carried the weight of my baby.  There have been days when I was worried to face the world, because I was afraid of what they saw.  I was afraid of being judged.  My clothes weren't as nice as they used to be, because I didn't fit into them anymore.  (I don't want to invest a lot into clothes until I can fit into my old ones again.)
     It's hard also, because my whole life I've been told not to gain any more weight.  I've been told my face is round, so I must watch my hairstyle.  No matter how skinny I have ever been, I have always been told something negative about my weight.  I guess at my thinnest it was, 'Now you are a perfect weight, stay this way.'  I obviously knew to ignore all of those words, because my friends loved me and people of the opposite sex showed interest in me.  Most importantly, the love of my life pursued me.  Of course, that was pre-baby weight, but I still had my curves.  He loved me for me and he made me know that.  He shut up that person who cast the shadow of negativity on me.  Because of that love, we got married!
     Well, because of that love, we had our precious baby boy, and, because of that love, I'm being encouraged to be the person I want to be.  Did I say it's about time?
     So I am fighting and not giving up.  I am counting my calories and I am running/swimming my way towards my goal.  I'm not doing this to please others.  Is it bad if I am doing it to fit into my clothes again?  I am ya' know.
     I'm also not doing this alone.  As of today, I am one of ten people I know who are doing this together.

Marriage Seminar (video style)

Tonight, hubsy and I went to a marriage video seminar.  Good concepts.  However, the speaker (who was very good) sounded so much like Gilbert Godfried (pardon my spelling).  He approached his marriage therapy as comedian poking fun at what makes a man a man and a woman a woman.  The approach was very effective.  I just wish his voice didn't have the pins and needle effect on my brain.

Hubsy and I very much enjoyed the time together.  Often, when there was something we both saw that reflected our marriage, we looked at each other and smiled.  A good marriage really does have to have humor to it.  Each side is so different and our brains are wired so differently. 

Now, one of my favorite things about being a wife (this I will have to also copy to my magnanimous mole blog), is figuring out how to skillfully make use of my husband's manliness.  It might be for my personal gain, his personal gain, or for the betterment of our family.  Marriage is just too much fun to sweat the small stuff!

On days that I do get caught up on some trivial issue, he doesn't always go down with me.  Sometimes...it's just have a thick skin that does get us through those silly disagreements.  Survival is really based upon finding humor like in the video seminars.

It also helps to have commitment.  Our marriage is based on our Faith in God and we never forget that we chose to say I Do.  We weren't pressured to get married and, due to our whirl-wind romance, we had a few people (my mom) really question us.  We were HEADSTRONG! 

...

Also, some people speak about how tough it is once you have a baby.  Not the case for us.  We love our baby who loves bananas!!!!!!  He always gives us something new to talk about and we have something new who requires our teamwork.

THAT'S IT!

Hubsy's and my key to happiness: there are days when our whole world just goes to shambles and we just know we are o.k. because we are together.  We are over a thousand miles away from familiarity, but we have each other, a bubbly baby who likes bananas, and a God who loves us and you more than we could ever imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!